My home desktop computer is showing signs of age, and a couple of nights ago, I decided to deliberately backup all of our digital photos files. I got my first digital camera in 2005, and I averaged about a 1000 photos per year until the year CR was born: that year, the file burgeoned to over 4500 photos! We buried Patrick’s ashes this past weekend, and since we met in 2003, going through the pictures was a review of nearly our entire life together.

The past few months, I have been relatively happy: CR and I have established a better routine; I’m feeling much healthier as a result of running regularly; I’m enjoying my work. Having a burial plan in place, however, settled a bone-deep sadness on me again. Patrick’s ashes have been on our fireplace mantel since the funeral in February. I got to a point where some days I didn’t consciously notice them as I rushed around in the fog of daily have-tos. The ashes, though, were a solid presence of Patrick in our home, and knowing a fixed date when they would be gone brought back waves of grief.

The burial rite itself was beautiful. Family and friends gathered on a crisp, alpine morning to say goodbye again. CR helped place Patrick’s urn in the ground, and we both scattered a handful of freshly turned dirt on top. Everyone in attendance did the same, and as I watched the others, I felt a deep calm in the tradition and ritual of laying the dead to rest.

On Monday night, a thunderstorm woke both CR and me. CR got back to sleep, but I stayed awake listening to the thunder for hours. I have been meaning to backup my photos for months, and perhaps the fear of a computer-frying power surge spurred me out of bed in the early hours to start. Browsing the images was at once wonderful and sad. As I got into the more recent years, I found myself bracing for what was to come: “This is from the week before Patrick had his seizure; these are from the months we spent away from home while Patrick received radiation treatment; this must have been the last week he was able to navigate the stairs in our home; Patrick’s smile here is from just three days before he died.”

The pictures from this year are more sporadic, and in some ways, depict a life in chaos. I was struck by the difference in what I chose or had the energy to document compared to years past. Most, despite the background of loss, show CR and me smiling, striving to build happy memories, and choosing to love and be grateful.

May Patrick’s soul and the souls of all the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.

MARATHON UPDATE

Well, I’ve taken yet another week of training off after aggravating inflamed IT bands. I’m planning on running today, though! The marathon is less than a month away. I have my longest run planned for this coming weekend, and we’ll see how it goes. My plane ticket is booked, so whether I’m ready or not, I’m going!